Siggraph '91 Spoof
The Siggraph `91 Conference On Computer Graphics and Interactive
Techniques will be held July 29 - August 2 in Las Vegas, NV. The
following contains selected portions of the recently released Siggraph
'91 Preliminary Program:
Computer Graphics Achievement Award
Awarded to persons who have significantly aided and inspired the
progress of computer graphics research.
This Year's Winner : Jack Daniels
Miss November, 1972
Nelson and Minnie Max
General Gao of Szechuan
Simulation of Motion Blur, Penumbra, and Soft Shadows by Jittering the Film
Advances in Physically-Based X Windows: Shattering, ScrollBar Momentum,
ChainSaw and Paste, Pixmap Tile Grout.
A Bidirectional Pipeline Architecture for Publishing the Same Algorithm in
Both Graphics and Vision.
Lens Cap and Thumb Models for the Simulation of Amateur Photographic
Butta-Splines : A Class of Surfaces with the Continuity of a Baby's Butt.
Real-Time Postscript on a 30 Pages-Per-Second Printer and the Resurgence of
the American Lumber Industry.
An Implicit Equation for the Utah Teapot.
Quaaludes : Shortening Perceived Rendering Time by Altering the User.
The Litmus Test : Using pH Measurements to Distinguish the Research of
Pat Hanrahan, Paul Haeberli, and Paul Heckbert.
Spherical Fractals and the Production of Benoit Balls.
Tutorial : The Monte Carlo Method as a Way of Avoiding Math
Tutorial : Careers in Computer Graphics
Participants will learn about opportunities in the graphics industry and
will be introduced to conversational Japanese.
Tutorial : Successful Grant Procurement
Director of the Cornell Buzzword Concatenator Project presents his
method of proposal writing and discusses in detail his highly
successful 1990 NSF-funded project, "Parallel Neural Networks for the
Physically-Based Adaptive Subdivision of NURBS in Multidimensional
Ray-Traced Radiosity of a Virtual Reality Visualization".
Tutorial: Introduction to Computer Graphics
Participants will learn that "radiosity" means to lighten up the
pastel-colored things that are dark and that "teleological modeling in
a classical Newtonian regime" means to connect the parts with springs.
Tutorial: Landscaping for Real-Time Graphics Companies
Computer graphics has struggled to model objects with photographic
realism. In the case of manufactured objects, the solution has been
to force all manufacturers to use CAD/CAM so that the man-made
environment consists of simple geometries. A modification of this
solution can be applied to the natural environment. We will discuss
how to prune evergreens into cones and how to shape shrubs into
spheres and rectilinear hedges. Landscaping your company's property
using these techniques will allow your simplistic models of nature to
match exactly the view outside the window, fooling visiting customers.
Panel : Graphics Hardware Standards
The panelists will address the surge of interest in standard,
interchangeable graphics components. Such standards are of topical
importance because, as graphics manufacturers go out of business, it
would be convenient if their products could be disassembled and
plugged directly into Silicon Graphics products.
Panel : Raster Image File Format Standards
Chairman : N. AfricanAmericanPonte, MIT Media Lab
M.W. Mantle, Pixar
"We should be happy to live in a country with so many raster image
standards to choose from."
S. Thomas, Univ. of Michigan
"I don't know which universal image standard everyone is going to
use, but I know which one I'm going to use."
A. Warhol, independent
"In the future, everyone will design an image format that will be
the industry standard for fifteen minutes."
EXTENDED ABSTRACTS OF SELECTED TECHNICAL PAPERS
Paper : Subpixel Rendering of Bicubic Patches
Third-order patches have been rendered by subdividing them into
second-order patches, first-order polygonal surfaces (Lane-Carpenter),
and zero-order pixel-sized surfaces (Catmull). We suggest continuing
the subdivision until the subpatch is the size of a molecule, where it
can be rendered by a standard molecular modeling package.
Molecules have advantages also in creating realistic models. In the
same way that Euler operations guarantee that a model is topologically
realizable, modeling with molecular primitives guaranteed that a model
could be manufactured with real molecules. To verify the modeler, we
invoke the Weierstrass theorem, which states that any object can be
made from any primitive if you use alot of them. We implemented
uncharged atoms in C, ions in C++.
Paper : Laser Beam Tracing
Ray tracing is slow, which is ironic since the rays are supposedly
traveling at the speed of light. Most of the time is spent in the
ray-surface intersection. The authors feel that, having done all the
work of intersecting with a surface, the ray should do more when it
gets there. Laser rays provide the energy for this work.
Instead of antialiasing the image, the ray locally melts the surface
colors, blurring them. Likewise, when a laser ray hits a polygonal
object, the sharp angles are eroded away to create a smooth surface.
If the force of rays is varied, then bumpy surfaces are realized.
Translucency occurs when some rays are strong enough to blow right
through the surface. Likewise, penumbra is accomplished when some
rays blast through objects while proceeding to the light source.
Paper : Scaling Properties of Patents on Fractals
The author has patented "fractal" functions for the creation of
synthetic images. A fractal exhibits statistical "self-similarity",
wherein the function reveals the same statistical composition
regardless of the scale at which it is considered. Thus, the author's
patent applies at all possible scales.
Fractals can be characterized by their "fractional dimension", which
is intuitively a measure of their roughness. Since changing the
fractional dimension of a fractal creates a new fractal, the author's
patent extends to fractals of any roughness. A fractal surface of
zero roughness is a smooth surface, so the author's patent subsumes
all smooth surface methods in computer graphics.
While fractals describe the smooth surfaces of man-made objects, they
also describe the irregular, intricate objects of the natural world,
and thus fall under the author's patent. Even if nature was not
composed of fractals, the retinal veins in front of the rods and cones
are fractal, so nature would look fractal anyway. Fortunately for the
author, nature really is fractal.
The geometry of galaxies can also be described by fractals. Thus, all
natural and man-made objects are fractal when considered at a very
large scale. Thus, because the author's patent exhibits scaling, it
applies to all natural and man-made objects.
Due to self-similarity, fractals exhibit small variations over small
distances and large variations over large distances. Since length,
width, and height can only change by small amounts over small
distances but can change by large amounts over large distances, space
itself is fractal and thus is covered by the author's patent.
Paper : Calculating Light Intensities in the Presence of a Participating
During a seance, the participating medium draws forth the ghost of
Omnibus Graphics. We present a method of simulating the
scattering/absorption of the resulting apparition density.
Paper : The Fast Furrier Transform
We introduce a method of rendering furry surfaces, and present results
of our experiments in producing a synthetic furry teddy bear. In the
same way a furrier strips the hide off an animal and wraps it around a
blue-haired woman, we stripped the hide off a koala bear and digitized
it so it could be mapped onto a synthetic bear model. To obtain the
3D geometry of the teddy bear, we sliced the nude koala bear into
serial sections, which were digitized. It is interesting to note that
"rendering" can also mean "dismembering and grinding up".
Paper : The Application of Computer Graphics to Hardcore Pornography
Contrary to the ambient opinion that computer animation has no
applicability, we suggest it is well-suited to pornography. It is
true that porn requires accurate rendering of the human form.
However, once generic male and female forms are created, all other
forms are of the same topology. Porno stars generally differ from
generic forms only by excessive local scaling factors. Also, while
the facial expressions of the actors need to be duplicated, the acting
ability of today's stars suggests that "male concentration" and
"female boredom" would be a sufficient vocabulary of expressions.
Furthermore, the difficult problems of rendering clothing and
lip-synching dialogue are avoided. The actors' surfaces are emissive,
transmissive, submissive, and permissive.
Porn is well-suited to computer animation techniques because most of
the action is rhythmic and periodic, requiring the rendering of only
one cycle. Any dynamics that cannot be resolved procedurally might be
addressed by the VPL DataCondom.
In advanced pornographical animations systems, constraint-based
optimization will properly assemble large orgies such that each
character plugs into his/her topological complement. The system will
plug together a gay male and lesbian female by introducing a
hermaphrodite as an adapter.
Until realistic human bodies are perfected, current synthetic
characters could succeed in porn via such vehicles as "Bogie and
Marilyn Do It French(-Canadian) Style", "Sexy Robot Straightens Wally
B's Stinger", and "Behind Closed Doors: What You Never Knew About the
Paper : Solutions for Unemployment in Graphics
In 1974, Sutherland, et al. presented "A Characterization of Ten
Hidden-Surface Algorithms", which revealed how such algorithms could
be unified as types of spatial sorting. Today's research solves the
hidden-surface problem with ray tracing, which was not one of the ten
algorithms. Clearly, ten researchers are out of work.
It is difficult for any laborer when he is replaced by a computer.
Supercomputers and special-purpose hardware have replaced the
hidden-surface researchers, and the result is grim. Gary Watkins and
Robert Schumacker are stuck in management positions. John Warnock,
while not being forced to live in Utah, has been reduced to
One of the ten unemployed researchers was the inventor of the depth
buffer. Fortunately, in 1986 he was pushed again to the forefront of
research when the depth buffer was used to render the facets of
hemi-cubes as part of the view-independent radiosity computation. The
method works for static scenes such as graphics programmers waiting
for a radiosity method to finish.
For the other hidden-surface researchers, graphics has now developed a
severance plan in the form of the ZZBuffer. The ZZBuffer speeds up
ray tracing by spatially sorting all objects with respect to an
eyepoint. Thus, ZZBuffer creation can be improved by using the ten
hidden surface algorithms, giving ten researchers a new lease on life.
Advancements in Cheating for the Animation of Synthetic Faces
We present a new device for tracking facial shape and motion so that
you can use the data to animate a face model despite your lack of
actual physiological understanding.
The first person to steal geometry from a real face in order to make a
synthetic face was H. Gouraud. (Gouraud and his University of Utah
colleagues B.T. Phong and J.W. Flat are renowned for inventing the
shading methods that bear their names.) Gouraud convinced his wife to
have a grid drawn on her face so she could be digitized.
Unfortunately, in his zeal Gouraud had the grid tattooed on instead.
Mrs. Gouraud won her husband's VW in the ensuing divorce, and she went
on to marry a Zulu prince who fancied her makeup.
Two decades later, researchers are still painting geometric landmarks
on innocent people's faces. Some researchers have sought out persons
with measles or severe acne from which to photogrammetrically derive
geometry, but the concept is the same. One researcher wanted to
create facial animations by interpolating between CAT scans of
specific facial expressions. It's still cheating.
We present a new product for cheating: The VPL DataBurnoose. The
burnoose is a nylon stocking worn over the head. The stocking is
lined with the same fiber optic measurement technology used in the
tiny datasuits employed by David Zeltzer in his animations of
cockroaches. The device has a special multisensor pouch in which the
tongue is put. The burnoose adheres to the face tightly enough that
eye motion can be tracked.
Retrospective : Flying Logos
In the movie "2001 : A Space Odyssey", an ape, touched by
intelligence, finds a femur that looks like an upper-case "I". In a
moment of ecstatic rage he throws the bone in the air, realizing
mankind's first flying letter. Since then, man has sought to make his
words fly. Ancient hieroglyphic symbols are often in the shapes of
eagles and hawks. From the paper airplane to aerodynamic sans serif
fonts, mankind has been driven to make his words fly.
Today we enter a new age of alphabet flight with the Logo Butterfly,
which boasts 26 special-purpose processors, keeping mankind safe from
the age-old fear of name dropping.
The multiple ribbons formerly worn below the name tag will now hang
down from the crotch so as to better serve as indicators of social
hierarchy within the herd.
[ compiled by email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org. ]