A Typical Daily PBS Schedule If The Public Broadcasting Leaders Cave In To Republican Pressure

8:00 am Morning Stretch

Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting passages from "Atlas Shrugged."

9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood

King Friday sings "Elitism is neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be his neighbor.

10:00 am Sesame Street

Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more judgmental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all the Muppets white.

11:00 am Square One

A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down." Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on defense will balance the budget.

Noon Washington Week in Review

Special guest Senator Bob Dole, explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else.

1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

Guest detective Pat Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.

2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line

Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan the need for more conservative media voices.

3:00 pm Nature

Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use machine guns to bag endangered species.

4:00 pm NOVA

"Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?"

5:00 pm Newt Gingrich News Hour

Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan says he is being shut out from national exposure.

6:00 pm Mystery Theater

Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater.

7:00 pm Great Performances

Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War."

8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater

Ibsen's "A Doll's House.." Phyllis Schafly enhances this classic with an added scene in which Nora gladly gives up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove.

9:30 pm Washington Week in Review

Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss liberal media bias.

10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World

How to Profit from Ozone Depletion

10:30 pm Nightly Business Report

Wall Street celebrates the end of all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety, environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.

11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle

11:01 pm Sign-Off